D'matter with me way

Am I losing confidence?

I remember I used to love to post my profile photos in FAcebook. that's the word.."used to"

I feel uncomfortable now showing off my photos...am I getting old? ha ha ha

I thought to myself, I do not need attention now that I am older. 

I just want to show off my Art, meaning my photography.

Or am I just in a slump as Mark Twain told me. Maybe I am, im not sure yet.

I am fighting to stay here in Paris. At least a year. I should not give up, lots of women before me had endured. Then I go, well...I'm not like them...lol

Maybe a kind , good hearted loving man? will make me stay? whoever he would be? BUt I know myself, I wouldn't dare stay with a man unless he truly loves and cares about me. I had learned also not to depend on a man to make me happy...I'm ok by myself. My friend Myra said, "you leaving because you don't have a lover?"....I'm like..."what??" ..ha ha.. I need a Lover to stay??? 😂 I told my bestfriend Anna and we started "cracking" up...well, mainly because she knows me..lol...Anna knows I dont depend on a guy..the only one I did depend on was my late husband W of 29 years..that was enough for me. talk about "soulmate", he really was.

Then there's this thing I've been trying not to "overthink"...

Sometimes, it is good just to leave things be. I wanted to teach someone, but I guess they are "too old" to learn anymore. I see myself wasting time with someone like that. I've given up..starting tonight..

We should not tolerate, inconsistency.

I remembered, there were guys who did cherished and adored me. But for some reason, I did not reciprocate the sentiments they showed me. I was always afraid to give more than I can give. I would lose interest. I think I am addicted to dysfunctionality. I always see something that will hinder me from falling inlove with them. I tend to run away, ST asked me once.."if you dont like being abandoned, why do you do it?" I meant I am abandoning him first before he abandones me. Maybe it's a typical defense mechanism. 

I wonder now that I am older, I wonder if I had overcame that. I do not think I did..I tend to still overthink and expects the worse..lo and behold...I starts running..It would take someone really special to understand someone like me. The only one who was courageous enough was W, he took me as I am as I had taken him as he is. I guess that is what True love is all about. Somebody sticking by you, seeing all your imperfections and didn't run away from you when he knows you've been running away from him.

I'll just live here in Paris, one day at a time...I'll try to change my mind perspectives. I will try to enjoy the timeless beauty of this city...maybe then I'll fall inlove with it in the end. 

I truly miss the US, how people are so friendly and everything is accessible unlike here. That I do not really feel the prejudices of the people. Unlike here in Paris.. 

Anyway...I'll try to love Paris..I promise.