Walk with me this way..

 Dr Dyer.. one of my fav authors..  i’ve suddenly saw his youtube message.. He said we have to embrace our Solitude since that’s the way to our happiness. We’re able to love freely bec we are self sufficient.  I can say i’ve learned to be happy alone.. i’ve always been alone but I was not lonely.. I try to make the best of my situation. I remembered living and working in manhattan when ai was single.. I didn’t seek people but I had a spiritual warfare inside of me bec i’ve always relied on God and my angels. Now i’m alone again.. my kids are grown and my confidante is gone. I didn’t want a relationship with anybody bec i know i need to deal with this new phase in my life.  I was happy there by the park with Abby beside me.. arghh im gonna miss her though when i leave. but i realized she’s my physical /spirit guide for the meantime. Truly this is an exciting

I am savoring these trips to my sanctuary.. I know I will miss it..  but then I suddenly saw myself sitting by the river seine in Paris..                something new I guess..  I wonder if id be sitting there with lots of inspiration..

 So many things I wanted to share here..but sometimes I don't know how to actually put it together. I guess those were bouts of inspiration and then I would let it pass. Like this morning, I had a weird dream.. I was somewhere else with friends, new friends I think or my coworkers..it was all mixed up. Then next thing I knew I was "floating" ..I wasn't flying just hovering, maybe a little bit of flying. I always remember I have flying dreams when I was younger. I was in search of my biological mother, so I dreamt I flew up in the clouds (not heaven) and saw her there. I desperately wanted to have or know who my real mom was when I was a teenager.  Anyway, back to the dream.. I always do that..somehow "show off" to others that I could fly or float..but nobody notices it or acknowledges it ...lol..but I didn't care, I love the feeling that I was conquering the air and can float to where I want to be.  Then there was this guy.. He was kinda handsome , I thi...

That felt good being in my sanctuary.. I felt Dongie was there, provided Abby and I shade and breeze. I stayed for 2 hours and I would have stayed longer until Abby whined like she wanted to leave.. I feel for her, it’s hard to have fur and it’s hot outside..at least there was shade and breeze. I felt so free also.. I’m looking forward in living with Ate Josie soon.. I was given some inspiration and courage to go ahead with my plans.. But i’m always “ delayed reaction “.. i’ve always been ever since I was a kid. I only really get excited when it’s happening right then and there. Thank you God for being there for me all the days of my life..

  Happy birthday Dongie..  I hope you’re ok wherever you are..I’m here in my “ sanctuary”..  I miss you so much.. I guess this blog is helping.. maybe you can read this.. ok.. no crying allowed in here.. I’d further … our deal remember? please don’t forget it..

 I just realized.. I like my own little world.. cocoon per se.. I do not want to be involved with a lot of things.. only whats infront of me and what I’m dealing with for the meantime. Ive done so many things im my lifetime that would just make my cup overflow. Right now, this is my life.. In a cocoon to protect me from the rest of the world.. my time would be up soon.. Ive a feeling I wouldnt reach my 70’s.. maybe.. just a premontion. I believe in premonition bec my life flashed before me when I was a kid..I am where Im exavtly to be in the meantime.. I just need to be like the Dai Lama.. lol “Patience is a virtue” they said…

I'm actually “ overwhelmed”.. the photoshoots were great distractions. I need to get all these stuffs sorted out.. God please give me the capacity to be calm despite my anxiety of moving.. Last year when we moved from a 3 bedroom to 2bedrooms.. I just hired my coworkers to do the moving for me..lol This year.. I just need to throw things away.. Time is a ticking.. I might move earlier than the regular move.. or leave earlier..  

  I would write you a love poem..but it wasn't love I adored you because we had clicked in so many levels.. until you opened your mouth and revealed who you truly are. I am sick of thinking of you..I just wish you escape my mind. I do not want this misery I thrust upon myself.. the totality of being stupid and the disappointments. I asked myself..what was your impact in my life? Maybe it's just really me.. I'm scared..I do not want to fall in love.. I see all the bad things..I did not give it time.. Or it was just my Instincts telling me you're heading  to that dark path again...so better leave now before it's too late... I would weep for the if's and might haves the laughters and the joys but with just short intervals...what was there really?

  This is not my photo..I have this for almost 15 years I think in my files. I wanted to do a boudoir just like this..but I don't think my butt is that great~ hahahaha.. I did asked someone if they can shoot me like that..but he's not interested anymore..it's ok..maybe someday I can recreate this myself and it will be better.  In any case, I do need to do some updated boudoir photos soon..even if nobody can see it..I want to keep some so I have a "memory of youth"..I'm getting older now and I just want to remember how I looked when I was younger..that's what I always tell my clients or models..you have today..take photos because you will not get this moment again... Photos are immortal..

"I'm know I'm caught up in the middle I cry just a little when I think of letting go Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little When he plays piano in the dark ..." This was a very profound song for me. I remembered back in high school, Mark Twain showed me this photo of a silhouette of him playing the piano. I've been obsessed in how to recreate such a photo. I did eventually though..but mine was sexy..ha ha ha 😝😆 I just heard this song again..and somehow it always made me feel melancholy. I am a piano player ...and I lost my piano today that I had for almost 20 years..I guess some things we just have to let go. talk about letting go...I am being stubborn but Im slowly am letting go. Maybe someday I'll find a guy who loves photography like I do and we'd go shooting together everywhere. I would love to have a partner who knows more about photography and teach me some. I thought that was RD ...but it wasn't meant to be..oh well

  As I drove to work today, I heard that song “ You'll be in my heart”.. its a mother’s song to her child. Suddenly I started tearing up because I remember my youngest child, granted he’s an adult now.. I know I will miss her when I go to Paris. She had lived with me for 7 years now.. the other 2 has their own lives. Somehow she decided to transition in the near future. She’s my child so I love her unconditionally. I remember we spent the most time together when she was younger bec her bro and sister is in school and shes the one left with me at home. I really do wish for her all the luck in the world.. but its her decision to go down that road. Shes lucky though she has someone special with her to go that way. My chest/ heart hurts thinking I mighy not be there for her.. But I pray to God.. I would try my best to be there for her.

Opps..I hope I don't hear a mouthful from this title..😆just kidding.. I am grateful for "old friends, closefriends, people who knew us from childhood." or when we're younger at least. I had disconnected a long time ago from the other people I grew up with ever since my dad died last 2009. I did not want to go back there(back home).. no sense in revisiting the most traumatic part of my life (knowing my dad died devastated me)..well...that trauma helped me a lot now..how to be "stronger"and be "resilient" to life's challenges. Had a lot of laughs, traveling down memory lane. Mark Twain is ever "enigmatic"..hah...how's that? being thousands of miles away.. The conversations were supposed to be never ending but I felt bad that he had to go to bed soon and I did not want to be a hindrance to that sleep...😛😴 Regardless...I am still grateful for these " kindred spirits ".. Life is much better lived with people who "gets...

I desperately want to touch that fire again It enticed me, yet it scared me at the same time I do not want to get burned again. I remembered I had died multiple times trying to play with that fire that had mesmerized me Until I had to run away from it I learned that it would have burned me much deeper this time around and would get caught  in this  vicious cycle of going back and forth just trying to reach for it and touch it again But, I wanted it so badly.. I dreamt of it even if I was succumbing  to the pain it would cost me and yet, I needed to save myself first Maybe someday  I would learn when I see these scars that it had created all over my mind, body and soul that it would remind me how painful it was and how deeply it hurts that I almost got burned to the ground..losing myself in the process.

  The other day I did this photoshoot with C.. then I'll have two more coming this weekend. I want to do as many Photoshoots as I can before I leave. I need to lose weight too..lol My bestie of 17 years is coming for a visit. I am glad he is doing fine for the meantime with his ongoing new career... an executive producer.. I'm happy for him he is thriving with his network. He was gonna make me a photographer for their artists...I don't think that would happen..lol..but anyway..it's tricky that music business. I've wanted to be published in my early career as photographer ..and I got published mostly online Latin magazines since my models were latinas/latinos here in Miami.  I truly wanted the big magazines..but, I shied away from it because I really did not want to be "famous"... haha..the reluctant..wahtever...lmao  I've been published.  Hopefully this time around for my Landscape photos.. that didn't happened yet. I would try to strive when I...

  My mind is just over loading lately..It just doesn't want to quit.. So many things I have to do, so many things I have to think about.  I do not have time to wallow in anything that is not productive. This week was rest day..I think because I worked a lot last week.Also I think I am being forced to rest because I fell at work three days ago and my chest hurts a bit. I fell on my hands and my knee hurt a bit , but my chest felt sore..I don't know why, I didn't land on it when I fell..maybe it was just the force. But I am feeling much better now. I am feeling a bit of Urgency also...I need to start throwing stuffs, selling stuffs...July is almost here.  I also am not listening to my instincts..maybe just to get over this drama..I need to finally divert my attention to something more important like, trying to write my book...whatever about.. I need to start my outlines....Ok I promise I will try my very best..

  Yesterday I went to the park with Abby...I've been savoring these trips to my "sanctuary" because I would be missing that place once I leave. I like going there because it is my inspiration place. I actually used to go there after my raquetball games..I need to play again one of these days before I go. I was thinking about the "sign"..and again God did not budge..lol..He's like ok..."enough" To be honest , I think I dodged a bullet ..I cannot tolerate abuse anymore. I think I'm done being a martyr or being a punching bag for someone. (i'm exaggerating) ha ha ha😉😆 But truly..there is nothing like "peace"..maybe this is what I have to achieve in this lifetime..all my life, I sacrificed my own happiness for everyone else....But, I truly believed that by doing so I made "them" happy..and now that they have their own lives ..I am happy for them. I vow to spread positivity and Love from now on. I've always been but mor...

So this is me I decided to show some of my personal photos.. I like this.. That really is me, I always like to think..contemplate..meditate..listen to my music.. I think I took this after my racquetball game..I wish I can go back to playing again.. Anyway, maybe I'll post more when I'm finally in Paris..again...lol  

  Okey.. I write things down because this is an outlet.. I did not mean to be a "lost soul"... I'm unto new adventures, new life choices and stuffs.... Do you know how scary that is? I wanna be Strong and capable.. I can do this..as I've always done..slightly older..hah...who am I kidding decades older. But, I am not gonna back down. If I did it before...venture to a new land with no resources.. Just my Faith and my goal/ambition I can do this, my spirit guides had always been with me. I remember I wanted to look for a toilet in London, and I told my friend I'd go look..she's like...you don't even know where you are! I'm like, I just follow my instincts..common sense said go to a restaurant no? it was 2008 I remember and I was just there for a week. My very first venture in Europe...I managed..so I will manage again. I have friends in Paris and I have a place to stay already..just need to have enough moolah with me until I get my first job. I even went...

  I did a photoshoot yesterday.. I would say I haven't shot in awhile but I did last march with this older model. It was ok she has her own specialty, but I didn't feel as much excitement since now I truly realize that my "forte" is taking photos on the beach. I was really in my element yesterday, even for just 2 hours it was Awesome. My models most of the time could be my kids since they are my kids age..lol I panic a little if I would leave my hard drives and my iMac with Mae. Maybe I'll save enough money in Paris so I can get my own equipments again. There are lots of other new people and new places to shoot there. I'm sure there would be beaches there..maybe I'll do a photoshoot in "Cannes" or "Monte Carlo"..let's mark that here. I've been meditating lately..trying to take away fear and doubts in me. I know I could do this, as I've always done. One day at a time Angelita..you could do it!! pep talk to myself..lol

  I finally "divulged" this Blog to one of my closest friends..Ive never told anyone I know about this.  He made me laugh when he told me what he thought of my main title..he said," Walk Away sounds like an advice an assassin would give to unsuspecting idiots who cross their path. " His words exactly...hahaha😀😂😃  Hilarious..lmao..I said it's kinda like a "metaphor" but I didn't say "about my life"...lol ..but I think it's self explanatory. I love that guy really...He's another content for another chapter..he he he Nah really, I've been wanting to write a book..and he'd been giving me notes how to write one..and here I am "procrastinating".. I do have my old journals written down, but then I wanted my book to be more visual so I wanted it to be a "picture book" with a story. How I would accomplish that...I guess in its time..maybe I'll have time to write or create it in France.

  So, I was gonna watch this Hallmark movie..hahaha..Dongie loves to watch that..I tried not to before because I didn't want to fantasize anybody, or to feel romantic since I was still nursing my broken heart from previous years. Now that I think about it...I was the one who was breaking hearts..since I really wasn't ready for anything bec I was oblige (happily) to help Dongie with his sickness first. Sometimes I admit I feel trapped but then again, I am happy that I could help my best friend/confidante. I believed he helped me before so I would help him..that's what friends are for, aint it?  It made me sad , the story...the lady just lost her husband and he told her ,'thank you for taking care of me."... she's like.."thank you for letting me take care of you." Me, I was like...I think he did say thank you couple of times and I can feel he was thankful..but I was in "denial" as my kids said..I didn't want him to die..I thought if he goe...

 Fine, I have 2 more months to go.. but I know.. it would breeze by..before you know it..it'll be July How do you pack for a final move?? I've done several moves in my life.. From the PI to here...well I only had my suitcase..then  1- Uptown Manhattan to Brooklyn.. 2- Brooklyn to Manhattan.. 3-Manhattan to the Bronx,  4-Bronx to Valhalla ,Westchester NY.. 5- NY to Florida.. 6-Florida  back to Long Island ,NY 7-then NY to Mason, Ohio.. 8-Mason Ohio to Westchester ,Ohio..  9-Ohio to Florida,  10-Florida back to Ohio.. 11-then finally Ohio back to Pembroke Pines.  we had a snag there for a year..Pembroke Pines to Weston...then back again to Pembroke Pines....whewwww..  All in all 11 moves in my 35 years in the US On July...hopefully will be my last move...well for the first time across the pond..I wonder how long will I stay there.. I know where..but all these questions..This new adventure.. I find that..like when I was a kid..I've been her...

  I've felt lighter since yesterday like a heavy feeling got lifted off my chest who am I kidding?  A new beginning is what I'm hoping for but why, what for? I'm still leaving anyway..I need to.. So I could breathe much better Last year I've been running away and I was good at it..flew everywhere  Went to Europe, visited my cousin in Seattle did a wedding in NC, after a few months flew to Japan I was that desperate not to be home and see familiar places This year I need to face the music I'm not meant to be here anymore, I've stayed put..no not really last march flew to the East coast and did a week of traveling  started in Washington DC then drove there to Pennsylvania to Poconos to Upstate NY then NJ to New York City. I've been staying in Key Largo also for work a week at a time. Maybe the latter part of this year..I'll stay put in France then travel everywhere in Europe..the other countries I haven't been yet. Sounds exciting...   I really  wanted...

  I've come to realize  .. it is the end.   maybe it would not have worked   in the long run anyway  .          Sometimes we just have to admit that         there are some things that are not meant to be.         As always,             I believe if I am being pulled away from something          it's because it is for my own good.        Some people are not in our "level"         or we might not be in theirs.        Whether spiritually or just that           there is something "off".       I've already experienced enough          to know now,  after all these years        we cannot "force" something that is not for us.       Let it go..         ...

  I love that song.. it goes, "I'm so into you, but I'm way too smart for you..even my  henchmen think I'm crazy..I'm not surprise that you agree..If you can find some way to be a little bit less afraid of me..you'd see the voices that control me, from inside my head said.." I shouldn't --- you yet." ha ha ha... 😳😂 I  don't know I cannot be the Evil Genius..maybe? naahhh...not even close...😜..I'm not naming any names who is..lol 😆 I realized this morning..I have to end this harping shit.. I need to just stop.. Move on to better things, better thoughts.. I cannot waste anymore time..Life is limited and lots of possibilities out there. I saw already what the future I'm going to have in France. It had been "brewing" all this time.  My best friend/confidante knew before he died what my plans were.. Have the blessings of all my kids..they're like.."mom, you took care of everybody..now it's your time to take care o...

I need to abandon this place. I am no longer needed here. Round here, is where memories were meant to be forgotten. mostly they were hopeless, sad, confusing memories,  yet they taught me to Live. I cannot bear to see these places.. I took you here and helped you there.  I waited for you here,   I got pissed off there. lol Yet every time I pass them by...my heart would ache. My best friend, my confidante is gone.  He had gone somewhere.. where he doesn't need me anymore  and maybe he is better off. I shall venture elsewhere..I will try to start again. A new life is waiting for me. I wonder if I would like it,  but I know for sure..I always make the best of everything..

   I did go that way...     It will be done...If a kiss was given. I should, I shouldn't..maybe I will.. At the same time my heart stops beating.. I let go of the stupid fantasy.. he will never come back.. stop ..just stop...

  To be honest... He was a big 500 pieces jigsaw puzzle that I could not put together too many pieces I had to decipher this piece with that piece..It's confusing. I believe it was too hard, it's all screwy my eyes would hurt my heart awry my soul defeated. 500 conflicting pieces..did 3 or even 10 matches not even a little part to a big whole that I had tried to piece together So, I gave up as Ive never wanted to solve it anymore  'why bother with such a difficult puzzle? Life is too exciting outside these jumbled puzzles,, frustration mounts and I would put them back in the box. It's not worth it there's no fun in it im not one you can count on solving  such intricate puzzles Headached, tears...disillusions Back in the drawer the box of puzzles goes in.. I'm Done...

    So I was talking to this rookie and asked him,"As a guy. what would he think about this guy ."  It was an afterthought .. I told him, I wrote this guy a poem, stating that I was "suicidal" ..then he said, " you know by you telling me that I'm obligated to take you in if ever... I started laughing out loud..I told him...no it was a test..and he looked at me and smiled.. I said, the "guy" actually asked me (in text) if he should call a police...lol then the rookie replied, "why set him up for failure?" I thought to myself..how is that a failure? I want  to know if he will do the opposite of what I think he will do? which he did...hahaha I told the rookie,..."noooo....I just really genuinely want to know how he will "react". then I proceeded to say, "he reacted with a cold response stating I should go to theraphy". omg...LOL I told the rookie.. I wanted to hear a kind response or caring response from the guy, bu...