Walk with me this way..

 Time flies.. been in Spain since .. maybe im having fun here in Eirope

 So truly … nobody cares about this blogs. 😂🤣 well i’m not ready to show it off i guess .. going to Spain tonight until New Year! super cool

I've been so vigilant with my meditations.. what is going on? I am doing my visualization. I need to do much more? Christmas is done..it is the most....ugh ,ugh, ugh of all christmases. I want to be busy again and keep on working. Well the sun came out today..actually it was sunset that I saw today..it was good though. For some reason I cannot divulge my thoughts as much anymore. I just want this year to get done.  Lord, please give me the strength to endure till the end of the year. I know you have great surprises for me next year! :) 

 BY this time last year.. I was preparing to work tonight and tomorrow night for an event. I miss being busy. I know be careful what you wish for.  This morning I told J about my dream the other night. I dreamt that I was finally back home in the states and felt so calm and great that I am back to my own environment..but then I remembered, my sister was visiting me in Paris that I had to go back there...lol...BUt really, Dreams are usually opposite.  I remembered before I slept I was really realy not liking it here. So my spirit flew there and see how it is. I have a plan already to what I am doing when I get there. BUt...again..I am not giving up yet. I am not a quitter..I have till January..lol..but I think I have babysitting with Stephanie in February so I am still looking forward to that. I have to take the train to CDG tonight to pick up Joyce and her kids. I wonder how it feels.

 Tommorrow they'll be here! im excited after 15 years ill see her again

 My cousin said.. Be grateful you live in Paris. I am grateful, I really am.. Lord Thank you for all the blessings ..

why couldn't find many friends? I heard this you tube thing about a woman who has no friends. well, I have a friend..I just could not make me have more friends. Maybe I will try from now on...find more friends. I am grateful though that I am learning a lot from M's experiences here in Paris. 5 years she's been here and she did have a lot of challenges. I wonder why France or Paris does that. I did have a lot of experiences but those are different ones like "how to raise a family", "how to find the right job" Actually when I finally found the right kind of job for me...then I have to leave. Maybe that is good.

Damn.... how time flies...soon it's christmas then the end of the year! I'm happy that I am almost into the end of the year. I had successfully wrote down , I think from beginning Sept to December if ever this blog. I was consistent...maybe one or two days I forgot 😅..but I forgot if it was july the beginning. I'll double check. I'm getting excited to see my sister J on the 24th. I think this is the only time I do get excited about something when I am reconnecting with family. I saw her I think 15 years ago. I didnt think she changed. she looked the same in her photos in facebook. I wonder what I will feel when I do actually meet her. I want to feel great when I do meet them, she and her two teenagers. It had been cold and raining here lately..am glad it will be sunny when they are here for 4 days. I feel sad that I can't treat them out or anything since I don't have much money. I didn't have a proper job for two months. So, I wrote her that I will just mak...

I know, it always says..."you are what you think all day." so..lately...my heads are in the clouds..hahaha...I would want to think so. Nah, really..I am in survival mode. I had been watching inspiring youtube stuffs.  I know and I am not worried, God had a plan for me. Today, I really wanted to go out there , sit in a cafe, drink coffee and just write in my journal,,but the weather opposed to this idea. It was just raining all day.. Oh well..there's another day Paris.. maybe monday.. 

Dec 24, 2024...  my sister J and her kids are coming...Yay! I haven't seen them for almost 20 years. I think last time I saw them was when I went with Alyssa to visit them. That was a long time ago. She is celebrating her younger daughter's birthday here in Paris. Was supposed to go with them to Swiss but I had to decline. There are going to be here to 4 days...That's awesome! AT least I have family here at this time. I wonder how it would be. Tour them around. Anyway, this blog... has no followers..lol..I wonder why or if anyone could see it at all. Maybe I should change my email, my other email is more popular. But it's ok...I will wait ..someday they will come across this. I need to stop posting just my photos...hahaha..👇😆  So my roommate is off for two weeks...God almighty, I wonder if we can bear to be here together in this small room. I know I need to get out..I think I wouldn't be as comfortable since I am so used to her not being here..lol Si spock ko daw....

Last night I dreamt of a baby boy.. It was strange, in my dream I was taking care of the boy. I do not remember who he is anymore, maybe it was Josh when he was a baby. Then I looked at the meaning..it meant a positive sign that represent growth or development either with you personally or  with something that you are working on. It's message from your subconscious saying this new thing is great it's time to focus and nurture it. It also symbolizes new opportunities and beginnings, extensive travel and happy family life. It also symbolizes the start of a new career, a new relationship or a new opportunity.  Also a new level og maturity or reponsibility.and to accept the consequences of their decisions. I also saw Dragonfly, I caught it for the baby...dragonflies meant the presence of prophetic activity  and support from heaven. I know why, I finally put my foot down on something I've been meaning to do...and my spirit guides are telling me that they support me with this. ...

I do not like Drama..I do not like to talk about it from now on.  I thought a friend would understand. I don't know I am positive that I want to see Spring in Paris. It's still winter, I did want to experience it and I will until when spring comes. I am a resilient person. I always get what I want specially when I pray for it and ask my spirit guides to help me. I know, I am just waiting for something great to come along. I know something great will come along. And now, I still want to do that project with the filipinas stuffs. I just need the right person to talk to. Please God direct me to the right people I should talk to. I know I have to do this. It would really mean a lot to my fellow countrymen.  

 I posted that woman's interview. I agree with her views. It's true though, Money doesn't make you happy...its good to have it but when you do, there is still something missing. I remember, I ran away from home because my adopted mother was so mean to me. We have everything, she did treat me like her child but she has a favorite and I always feel I am not enough or a good child to her. I thought to myself, here I am living in this nice house. I do not get hungry unless when I starved myself because I was so upset with her, I wanted to die. I was being spiteful but really I was just hurting myself. I didn't want to live there and felt like a prisoner..obeying her every command. She actually brainwashed me. I was rebellious when she first adopted me then as I grew older. I became scared of her. I ran away thinking, I do not need to live in this house if I am so miserable. So , I left everything behind. I remember the rush of dopamine, of being "free" again. Why ...

 So I heard,  He sounded funny to me in a way ..because I never heard that voice he used in the radio. Then read a dedication for me, like I wrote an email to him. He called me "Angelita in Paris" 😋😁 how funny but true..lol I hope he becomes successful with this new endeavours. He seemed to be driven and is ambitious. I do not think I want to be in that industry. It's ok I guess when I was younger...but then I really didn't want to be "popular"....maybe I was in a past life but this lifetime..nah..well if it's in my stars..why not ,maybe..hahaha...the hesitant celebrity...I could be called. LOL Last night, I was watching a recap of  "Deadpool & Wolverine", it was really interesting because I know if I had seen it in the movies I would miss those things he observed . Canadian Lad from youtube. Interesting observations. He is quite good. I am a fan.  I love that, from now on I just watch recaps ..lol...Mae told me, I'm lazy...I said..it...

I'm really curious what's up Markie's sleeves. He told me to listen to his radio show tommorrow morning, since it's evening in his time. He has this program named, "Pillow Talk" by Dr Comfort.. I was so mean...I was laughing out loud for the absurdity of it all..I'm like ...what?? you have a serious voice>=? hahaha..Well whenever he calls me he makes these funny noises and voices. He's like my personal jester.. then suddenly he's Dr. Comfort?? I felt bad I was laughing when he was serious..so as his friend, I told him I'll support his "new endeavor" . My twinny , we call each other..Two crazy sagittarians..lol..he's actually 4 years younger than me..lol Well..I'll wake up early just to hear what his song dedication for me is. I hope it's not a sappy love song 😂😆 I'm gonna make fun of him if he did..that's the great thing about having a 15 year friendship..we can tell anything to each other.. although, he never...

My friend is funny.. We were at a gas station and I was looking for some souvenirs for Spock. But, I was thinking twice because I didn't have to give him anything anymore.  So we were standing there by a rack of cups with personalized name on it. She goes, hey ..there's his name. Go buy and give it to him...I'm like..I know but I didn't have my purse with me , I left it in the bus. (I wanted to see how she will react)...Then she goes, "what?? are you crazy? why do you have to buy him that?''..I was secretly laughing because she is so hilarious.  Then , she passed by a rack with Dog photos in it...she goes, you should give him this...hahaha..god..she's hilarious...she goes, give him this and tell him what a Dog he is...hahahaha...😁😂😆 my friend, my friend...I like that..lol..She was just looking after my emotional immaturity.. or fucking stubborness...lol...I don't talk to her about anybody now because I am not with anybody. Maybe next time I find ...

Am I losing confidence? I remember I used to love to post my profile photos in FAcebook. that's the word.."used to" I feel uncomfortable now showing off my photos...am I getting old? ha ha ha I thought to myself, I do not need attention now that I am older.  I just want to show off my Art, meaning my photography. Or am I just in a slump as Mark Twain told me. Maybe I am, im not sure yet. I am fighting to stay here in Paris. At least a year. I should not give up, lots of women before me had endured. Then I go, well...I'm not like them...lol Maybe a kind , good hearted loving man? will make me stay? whoever he would be? BUt I know myself, I wouldn't dare stay with a man unless he truly loves and cares about me. I had learned also not to depend on a man to make me happy...I'm ok by myself. My friend Myra said, "you leaving because you don't have a lover?"....I'm like..."what??" ..ha ha.. I need a Lover to stay??? 😂 I told my bestfrien...

I was glad it was ok there ...lol So commercialized that christmas town. It was ok, I just couldn't let myself be in awe of these christmas celebrations. I fully remember the only time I enjoyed christmas was when I was shopping and wrapping gifts for my kids. I love the way they anticipated their gifts. I wasn't really pushing Santa to them because I think they are too smart to realize there's a santa..lol Maybe when my grandchild comes, it'll change.  

 I canr believe my eldest son is 31.. damn how time flies

So, a lot had kept in touch with me to see how I am.. I am fortunate I have long time friends which I prefer. I do not have a lot of friends but the ones I keep are "forever"..just like my bestfriends, in college Liza and in Highschool Anna. They do genuinely asks me how I am from time to time even when I was in the states. I do that even when I was younger, have just one or two close friends. Those I haven't gotten in contact, I would not really call close friends. Today is my first born's 31st birthday!! Ahhhhhhh!!! I'm officially old!! imagine when he turns 40? I seriously doubt I'll be alive by then. lol I do not want to get that old!! I really am happy to hear from Anna . I hope she's ok. she is considered a spinster or old maid if she isnt married? how funny, she's a spinster and I'm a widower. I told her my friend M told me that I'm leaving Paris because I don't have a "lover"..hahaha...We were both cracking up. I said, I n...

I woke up this morning.. I listened to my morning affirmations...I heard, "Forgive yourself". Which I need to. I kept thinking I made "failed" decisions...the freaking, what if's , what would haves...Then I know deep inside, if it is not for me..regardless if I did do it ..it won't go my way. Maybe I saved myself time to not get involved in it. I truly know, something "wonderful" is on the horizon. Things always change, sometimes for the better. I told myself... No more negative thinking..always try my affirmations...it helped Dongie and I before ..thats how we bought our big house in Ohio. I know I will succeed here in Paris. Just be patient little angel Padawan. I really need to go back to my Photography..it had been in a slump according to Mark Twain. It was nice that he calls me once in awhile checking how I've been. Also with funny Markie...all these Marks in my life. I am just glad I have long time friends who cares. Maybe they're Ame...

It's driving me crazy.. I know I want to go out there but the "cloudiness" ..I just wont have it. I'd rather be here locked up in this little room than 'brave" the cold weather. Plus, it's more fun if you have someone to share the views with. Unfortunately, im too lazy to find someone too...hahaha...nah..I"m just not ready...I'd rather be alone.. Maybe when the sun comes up this next few days..I'll go out and venture again, since all I have is time now. I am glad I'm going to Strasbourg this weekend...time to go out...just to go out.. I was really looking forward to that job, but then she lied...it wasn't easy that job,,very meticulous jewish people who would make you their "slave"...im not that desperate...I know God will find me a better job, I feel ok,, I took the chain off my neck..I feel a bit lighter... BUt, come on sun....give Paris something...lol 

Here I go again.. I am always waiting..I know I deserve a good job that I like and I know God will give me one. I am just waiting and I have to be patient.  There is always a reason for everything.  I do not know what it is but I know that I have to endure this.  Something much better is on the horizon.  I need to be more positive also. I know things will work out and the sun will always comes out tommorrow. There will always be work , it will always be there..it's just finding it's way to me. I need someone to discover me with my writing. I want someone to help me how I can achieve this last dream of writing a book. I have an idea now..just the time to execute it. I am also working on myself..detaching myself on people who doesnt really care for me. I had to pick the most "cold" person in Paris...lol...why??? because I am cold myself? I need to be in a healthy relationship with myself before I could be with anyone. I remember, I had turned down so many "to be...

 it’s such a wonder how i ended up traveling far for a work. I truly wish i could work outside Paris and experience the country side I think. if its meant to be it will be. im so sad today.. bye bye to the one I adore.

Was it really that bad? That I didn't want to be a maid? I was looking forward to that job..but then the woman who told me about the job didn't tell me the whole truth about it. She said, by 12pm in the afternoon the regular chores would be done and I wouldn't know what to do with myself from 12-6pm. I'm like..that sounds like an easy peasy job..I like cleaning but then I didn't know...it is different in a jewish household. There are so many  restrictions. I did a good day organizing stuffs when she was training me...no sweat because I do all those things in my own house. I had a 4 bedroom ,2 1/2 bath, big kitchen , 2 car garage, a big backyard and big basement before and I'm the only one who cleaned it.  But then, when it was time for lunch break ...she said we have to eat in the laundry room because we are not allowed to eat in their kitchen table. Im not allowed to eat their food, I'm not allowed to bring pork or shrimp to eat. I felt so bad because we we...

A photo inspired me to write this poem. I couldn't use it though bec it doesn't belong to me... Quick side glances,  giggling laughs hands all over,  sweet whispers in  your ears Stop. A quick kiss on the lips noses rubbing together tight hugs Stop. Pointing up high to the shining stars Dreams surveyed listed above Go on.. Hearing each other's breath hands around your waist drawing you nearer heart beating as one. Embraced💗 Regards rapides, rire étouffé mains partout, doux murmures dans tes oreilles Arrête. Un baiser rapide sur les lèvres frottements de nez câlins serrés Arrête. Pointer vers le haut vers les étoiles brillantes Rêves passés en revue énumérés ci-dessus Allez-y.. Entendant le souffle de l'autre mains autour de ta taille tire plus près de toi cœur battant comme un seul homme. Embrassé💗

Yesterday... was the Handmaid christmas party. I guess im one of them now bec we had a graduation the other week. It's ok ..I was actually " in awe".. I haven't seen so many filipinas in one room . For years in the US I had attended some flipino parties 20 years ago when I was socializing with them. Then I've stopped. So, I was looking around the room and they were having so much fun. There were programs ,games ,singing etc etc.  It brought me back to my childhood in Banawe. When we would have christmas parties with the hospital staffs and our big Santos clan. That was really something. I looked forward to those parties... yesterday reminded me of my "roots" also. There's a problem with my thoughts, I knew I am filipino in this lifetime and must be some other lifetime I wasn't.  I am very aware of this lifetime I've chosen.  I wanted to be abandoned and poor in the beginning. I wanted to experience the struggles. When I was a kid, I wasn...

Omg.. first time ive ridden in the Metro liked a packed sardines. People are just relentless.. they see that the train is packed .. so they pushed their way in and the people inside get pushed super tight inside. I got traumatized , I do not want to experienced that again.. not even in the packed A train back in NY city have i ever experienced that.. This is the precise reason that I’d rather stay in this little room.. away from rude crowds like that ugh. Anyway, I don’t know what i was thinking going out tonight.. I just wanted to eat lunch and see the Lafayette galleries.. but everyone decided to go out too because of the opening of Notre Dame..  Then , I freaking truly miss Spock 😭.. i’m livid..  anyway.. more news about my “ supposedly new job” in my next blog… i’m exhausted ..

Was it all just a waste? Why do some people come into our life and they just stay for a bit? Most of the time though, it could not have prevented. Like all these questions these lost souls asked me in Quora. When to let go? They had to go because their story in your life had ended. Although it was painful, the decision had to be made. What is the point of hanging around when there is an unbalance? The see saw is up. They were up there while you are down there on the ground. I remember last summer playing with Z and A..it was so fun playing in the see saw again, but mostly I love the way they were laughing and enjoying the ride with me.  You cannot keep playing see saw's up and down or you'll get dizzy. Some had to stop and gets off.  Those are the people that had to be "let go " off or you'll just suffer. No point in suffering, just learn that it was such a dizzying ride and opt to go to the swings...by yourself...and everything will be fine. Anyway.. I don't ...

So it's true..sleep deprivation can drive you nuts.. I couldn't sleep last night partly because of Spock and also starting a new job. I know it's an easy job..maybe it's harder to adjust now that we are older. I wasn't excited about the job because I know I would be caged in 6 days a week . The good thing about it is at least it ends at 6pm. I was actually overwhelmed today by the girl who trained me. She really knows what she's doing and she's like handing me the torch. I wonder if I would ever stay in this job...for how long... I miss my music too.. so I was singing while I was working. It just pains me also to think that I've regress in life...starting again from the bottom..ughhh ,,,yeah sure in Paris... that too when will I stay here. it had been 5 months and Im anxious. anyway... I came home and started crying and feeling so homesick and alone again.  I know I should be grateful and I am always grateful..it's just tough being human.. 

I miss my big computer table and comfortable swiveling chair.  Maybe that is the reason I am not inspired to do my photos. I can't wait for the day when I could finally sit in my own table and not this weird kitchen table Jos has.  It is true in a way..I had to give up  alot..but I guess that's the price of living or start living in a new land. It had only been 5 months..come on Angel..maybe before your year here in Paris..you could find a better apt with your own computer./work station for your photography. Just be patient young padawan.you'll soon get there..your angels are working on it ...:) My iphone is not bad it gives me good photos.. Ok.lets wait and see...it's almost the end of the year... My challenge to blog everyday beginning Sept..End of december is almost here,,can't believe I will actually do it..

As I was sitting there tonight on the way back from Nation. I suddenly thought of my subway travels in New York when I was single. I remember I was super sad also because I left my one and only bf in the Philippines , so I could achieve my dreams. I felt that I knew that's what precisely will happen. Beng and his mom was the one who would help me to get here..my dad also because he gave me my passport.  I used to cry in the NY subway because I was so homesick . Then I remember ed Mike was so immature, I could not fathom how we ended up together. some 40 years later he would say, I was his first love and he cried so hard when we got divorced. I didn't believe him because he was really mean, narcissist person. We did get along in the beginning, but then he somehow lost his way. I guess we were too young to understand things. NOw, it's happening again...I need to let go of someone. I do not know if I can handle another sad ending. Maybe it's better to quit while were ahead...

As much as I love the new season of xmas here in Paris. It just make me miss my family more. I wish Dongie was here with the kids...argghhh I love those christmases when my children were little. I wonder now if that will continue with the grandkids. I wonder how many grandkids will I have ? it looked so great the christmas lights here ..but... I remember my last grand christmas ,,was when I was in Key Largo taking photos of the christmas events. argghh.. 

That was really harsh... Imagine you are in a different land/culture and you have no family here. Then the one person you think was really there for you as a friend, starts acting up they wanted to get rid of you. I felt the whole world caving in.  There was no where to run or hide. fortunately, I have another friend, M . Maybe i should have more friends..but it's really hard to trust people nowadays. I have always been a one or two kind of friends kinda gal. As I left the room so upset, I could cry..I didn't want to...I opted to go to my friend M's house. I am so glad she could relate to what I am going thru. Like she kept insisting with me.. "do not trust anybody" . I am so freaking "naive"...just because someone shows being kind to my face...I would trust easily.