Walk with me this way..

 Woke up at 5 am to get ready for the trip to Metz. Were supposed to meet at 6:30.. I was there at 6 am.. nobody around.. im like, is this a joke?? People came around 6:20 and we left at 7 am I think. So first time I have a window seat. M came and she saw I was by the window so she opted to seat to where there is a window seat. That ' s ok. So this trip is supposed to be only 3 hours.. hopefully , this wont turn out to be like Rouen.. lol.. so we wait and see.. brb Well.. it was a big disappointment.. it’s more like a shopping place..  the christmas decorations are nothing much., just regular lights hanging .. anyway, i decided to go.. and the heater on the bus doesnt work.. what a joke.. last time i went with this bus tour last summer.. the AC didnt work.. then this winter, the heater didnt work. Anyway.. im grateful regardless

 Im glad Ate Josie convinced me to go woth her to my birthday treat. I teally wasnt geeling it..  Forst time I went Cosem.. now I lnoe where to go next time. Im glaf a fellow folipina helped me. Spock was really diligent today.. but still didnt tell me what hes upto.. its ok.. im done expectomg stiuffs.. Ill just live my life ss is. Its really sad to not celebrate with my kids or with Mae, Char and Abby.. I tryly missed them a lor. Am still not feeling grear but i hope ill bebetter tommorp when we go to Metz. anyway the next few days will br busy.. i like that..  my firat birthday in Paris Niv 29,2024

My very first no Thanksgiving.. First time I did not celebrate Thanksgiving after 35 years. Those were good memories because I was always thankful...plus I thought as an american. Today, I woke up in Paris and I feel all alone in this room. My roommate left for work . YOu do not feel the holidays in this room..no decorations and stuffs. Maybe I should put some just so we can feel it in here. I want to get a a mini christmas tree. Where do I get it though? there's no Walmart here..lol I hope to survive this first holiday away from home. I can actually smell someone around me, maybe it's Dongie. Im too sad to write.. 

So many questions.. Yet I know the answers.. I think it is better this way. There are things not really meant to be. Maybe I am this phase of self discovery. I should not pay attention to trivial things. It is not really "trivial" to love someone, who doesn't love you back. There you go again...how do you know it is love? you don't even know the person, how they are..who they really are? It had always been like that. Being inlove with love, because given the chance..you would panic. Since you really are not ready. Your heart is grieving, you seek someone who is not available because you know you can't be with them anyway. I had been thru these all my years.  Unfortunately, I could easily move on...but I wanted to savor the masochism of it all.....ha ha I had not been shown love when I was younger and I had to navigate it by myself when I was a child. I might not have a regular filial love but I had the kindness of strangers. Then my mom adopted me, it got awkward....

  It was something today. I feel like Im somewhere else.. so many filipinos.. I was a bit hesitant with the songs since I havent heard them before but theyre easy to follow.. Its nice .. maybe to know new people.

I couldn’t sleep last night.. I kept thinking, it’ll be my first birthday away from my family. My kids are my only family.. after 30 years ill be here alone without them. Last year, we went to my favorite restaurant.. the Cheesecake Factory with Mae, Char and Abby…😣😭 This year… I think Ate Josie will take me out for dinner. I dont think Spock will take me out..maybe our friendship will fizzle.  I thought I was done with Firsts here in Paris or France.. the  last first.. my first Holidays , Christmas here is coming. That’ll be sad too… 😭

I am so glad that I talked to a fellow photographer. I was having this photographic existential crisis. I was bothered that I didn't need my big fancy expensive camera to make a "masterpiece"...my iphone14 does it...somehow.. I had forgotten...and he reminded me that..It's not about the "gear" or whatever expensive cameras or lens you used. It's mostly.. "me" the photographer...the photographer's EYE.. I was losing interest and disheartened that I didn't need to do all the extra stuffs like studio lights and stuffs..maybe , yeah..there's a reason to use things.. If I wanted a great quality looking photo..then I could use my camera. that's the difference now a days.. you can't tell when they used an smartphone or the professional camera. Maybe some photographer's do have a lot of tricks up their sleeves. Anyway, tonight...I am also sad..I need to walk away....for good.. no more self doubts... no more false hopes.. NO MORE...

What struck me in the movie.. Was how they still ended up with each other...from the beginning till the end. It was such a great love story. When they had finally reached each other's age. It was awesome. They lived and loved until they didn't. Benjamin had to go on his quest while Daisy goes on hers. She ended up getting married and had kids. She taught ballet . Then one day Benjamin came back as a young teenager and she was already old and a grandmother. The thing is, I love that they lead their own lives...did what they had to do and in the end.. they still end up with each other...in a strange reverse way...lol So as I get up in age, I realized I hadn't heard any love stories like that yet. Maybe I did but I don't really know them so it didn't impact me. To be honest, I know or my intuition said that I would end up with someone from my past. I don't know how that would work. Imagine you knew this person when you were younger and now that you are older with d...

 I got asked a lot by my roommate.. what do you do all day?? I’m like.. i’m in my computer.. writing down stuffs or blogging..  Sometimes I edit photos all day although I pause every hour. Well I think i’ve been such a loner since I became a photographer. I’d go out to shoot then I spent days at time editing.. while watching my favorite shows.. lol I know they’re wondering how can i afford to be locked up in that room? Well.. I don’t  have much to spend on. After leaving everything behind in the US.. yes.. it killed me to throw things i used to cherish.. plus my photography books, magazines, other photography equipments.. i’m feeling sad now.. I realized, I don’t really need much stuffs anymore..sure they’re nice to be around..but then.. I’m coming into a new phase of life.. Starting over gives you a lot of perspective. I don’t need material things anymore.. oh boy.. my bf to be would be so lucky… lol..I would pamper him.. ha ha.. maybe.. lol But then again.. I am happy I...

 Unbelievably.. I do not understand.. what is this all about..it’s like that halohalo scrub thingy on the ice. scratz,scratz… till the ice form inside and u pour them in a cup.. Something like that.. its getting to scratched all the way to the bottom.. until theres none left.. friday night.. take it or leave it

Finally I'm going to be around snow.. Well I was last march but I didnt live in Upstate New York. I will finally see snow in Paris for the first time..I am getting my camera ready. I hope it does..it said, 75% by 12 pm this afternoon Spock forgets our conversations...maybe he doesnt pay attention to what I say because I speak english fast? but really maybe he doesnt care. I asked him this morning if he remembered what I said the other night about snow....he said no...Oh well... then I said it will snow today..he said, Let's see...lol they talk in short cuts..lol

As i was walking home from the laundry.. I looked at the scene before me...It is so opposite from Florida..but then I remember back when I was single in New York city. I know it's kinda different too because my work was in midtown, lots of buidings..the Empire state building beside us and the big Macy's store by 34th street/ My store was in 32nd street infront of the Madison Square Gardens. But if I go by Park Ave or Central park ...even 5th AVe....it can look like Paris. I mean the venue or the surroundings. I remember a few years back I wanted to experience fall and winter again since  we haven't been in the 4 season state when we left Ohio. I miss those days.. I had a big house, my kids were all under ten..happy, healthy and smart but very lucky kids since we had given them whatever they wanted. I think at the end, I did get tired of Ohio..I didn't care about the big house..I just wanted to change. I wonder how many fall and winter seasons will I have here in Paris. ...

I must be truly sad inside...and am ignoring it. I lost my inspiration with my photography....I think just for the meantime. It's just disheartening, that I don't need my big expensive camera and lens in order to create a masterpiece. 😞 I just needed this iphone14 and it creates great photos. I am surprised.  I want to be inspired, to create..something unique. Although I admit I'm glad I am getting known now for "landscapes"...I still love doing modeling/glamour photos..but I need models. I have been passive lately. I need to be more aggressive. I know the weather is not an excuse. I want to be out there making awesome photos. I do miss the great Florida beach weather...my forte'..  It is true..we do not get our inspiration from outside us..it must come from the inside. I remember I used to hang around Flickr a lot and admired all those awesome photos of other photographers. I should do that again.  I am hungry or thirsty for creativity. I'm in Paris..one...

 I think i’d look like this when im 60 something or 70’s… lol.. I wonder if I’d ever reach my 70’s… i really don’t want to though ..

Another waiting game.. I have 11 days till my birthday.. I wonder if I would reach my goal..I did lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Maybe If I continue my intermittent fasting I would be able to reach it. No dinners for me lately. Then 19 days before my new job. I did have the interview yet but I'm sure by Dec , it will happen.  I do not know what the future holds for me in this land of France. lol It is hard to know what the future holds.  Whatever it is , God is in charge as always. I am but an instrument. 

 I should start what I do best.. Saw this youtube program about Michael Talbot.. the Holographic Universe. I truly believe  everything is a hologram around us.. as Ive always said.. im good with Manifestation.  Ive been doing it since I was a teeny human. I still believe I am being helped to get where I am… If I am meant to be there. im gettimg emotional.. its this “ gratitude” I have inside.. I cannot forget the other souls/ people who helped me on my journey also. I have this next journey, here being in France.. but where I am specifically going to be and with who. My intuition tells me. My spirit guides reminds me.

Postlude of Only way She stopped crying, she stopped thinking It is not a matter of , will it hurt again? Now, It's more like... She understood.. Life is a process.. Some things are meant for you and some aren't Why try to control what you cannot? Just live each day as it was your last.. Abandon the anxiety, the fears Am I good enough or not? Nobody is good enough for anybody For they have their own journeys to complete, decipher To be loved is divine as they say to Give love is Holy It is better to give Love than to receive it I remember someone said before.. The Love you wanted to give to someone that didn't want it Someone would surely receive it, you just don't know  to who and Yet, you gave Love away which is what it is supposed to be..  

I do not know if it's love.. Not really I think.   My friend M told me, "You are!"...I'm like,..""NO I'm not!! ha ha ha.. why is she arguing with me?  I'm the one who felt it.😜  She's like, "what's all these bullshits about "signs"??? I'm like, "I don't know I just want to know." I think mostly, when I ask a sign from God..it's mostly a prayer.. Recently, I had positive signs..and then I doubt myself..hahaha I asked..then when my sign gets answered , I kinda don't believe it.😏 I know , how pscyhopathic..just as I am laughing here by myself..lol Maybe I am just an understudy...or the other way around. I'll just go with the flow...Life is short.. Let's all have fun..we're here only for a short time. Angel in Paris...be Grateful... God loves you.

 Yesterday towards the end of the "bible study"...they had a guy come up ..and he said a mini sermon? I think then he started singing. When we were in the middle of all these songs, he started chanting prayers at the same time. Then it dawned on me, that this was like that charismatic groups thats went to my grandpa's house back in Banawe. I remember atttenting it once since I saw my grandpa in the front. It made me miss him a lot. Those were happy days of my childhood. I told myself yesterday, I will not be emotional or "cry" during the service. I did not want to let people see my super sad. I wanted to be strong. I cry enough in this little room I am in. Crying out to God to please let things be ok, to let Dongie and my Dad be ok wherever they are. How I cry when I think that he left me behind and have no one to lean on. So now, I know I have to be more vigilant with my Faith in God and my guardian angels. I was also thinking... I kept reaching out to God ..so...

 Gonna go do some catholic stuffs today. I know im a non denominational person .. but my roommate said give it a try since ill get to know people here. Maybe it’ll force me out of my cocoon. Ive been avoiding to know lots of people even in Miami.. but maybe this is a new life, a new chsnce. Whatever it will be.. Ill leave it to God’s hamds..

 I need a better comeback when people asks me…  “why did you have to leave the US? “ I dont want to kept sayinh.. because my husband died…. I dont want to say that anymore .. I told my roommate I should say,  “ I came feom HingKong’” that way they can relate to me. whenever i say from the US… they look st me with a puzzled look and asked.. “ why?? dya have ta leave? Isnt it better there?  Im like… ugh.. here we go again..🤣😂

Rouen way..lol It was a boring city..but I just needed to get out of Paris. I kept taking the wrong trains..lol...dang it..great lesson. Take note: REad the train or ask. I just wanted to go that's all.  I walked around by myself hoping I'd see something special..but it's just a "shopping town"...nothing to see. But  like I said...it's a lesson..I need to be more alert..I used to..I was just not myself yesterday. I even forgot to blog..I missed a day. I am at least happy I did what I wanted to do. It's good to be free...to do whatever. Life should not be taken for granted. Seize the day~ 

As I walk back from the pharmacy... A thought came across my mind. I remember those days when I was in Texas. I wanted to get away from MW...I thought if I leave NY I'll forget him...but to no avail... I was lucky though my college bestfriend Liza and her family was there and helped me. Although I only managed to stay for six months because I was making more money in NY and I didn't have the patience to wait for my fortune in Texas. Well, I was actually thinking. I didn't have anything there... I bought a bike and road everywhere. Then I can still vividly remember thinking..while I was walking by the side of the road..which is weird because people don't walk much there..I had no choice.. I was thinking...when will I start driving? I really wanted to know how to drive. Only when I went back to NY and reconciled with MW that I opted to go to driving school. This was the early 90's. I didn't get a chance to drive in Manila...because I know I am not meant to be ther...

I got a lecture from my friend M..she said, "You're so stubborn that's why! You kept saying you're letting go but there you go again...Then she psychologized me...lol...She said you're after someone because you just lost someone and trying to fill that empty void. I think I don't agree.. I believe it is just my naivety ..I never thought of people taking advantage of other people's loneliness. They will play with your feelings because they thought that is what you wanted...even if you said, "no" so many times. I thought it was passion...it was just that carnal desires that "guys" have. I have other theories, but I am not willing to hurt someone's feelings here in my blogs. So, I'll let it be. I am glad of the "Honesty" , I truly appreciate it. I realized now, truly...people who laughs a lot had the deepest pain. Me, I just laugh a lot because I like to see the "humor" in everyday life..like my Dad used to do. H...

 Please I do not want my heart     to be cold or hard or bitter.  I came here to give Love..  Even to guide somebody.. Angelita is a great name .. Little Angel it means.. I smile more when people said, I was their Angel.. meaning i’ve helped them Rather than the compliments that i’m beautiful or pretty. Tears befell this morning.. because of confusion.. Life is short.. C’est la vie . 

 I am happy God answered my prayers. I had asked him for a sign and it was given.  Now this time I have to be brave and be mire decisive in what i really want to do.

 We left Paris st 11 pm.. saw Ate Lorna and am si happy to see her. Sitting beside Myra again. Lets see what our adventure will be ehen we get there.

This thought kept ringing in my head.. Have you ever Up and just leave? I thought I had done that twice now in my life. First when I left the PHilippines in 1989  and the other one when I left Florida last June 2024. It is a terrible feeling... Leaving all your stuffs behind, the memories, your family, your beloved pet. I had to I tell myself...I need to start a new, I wanted to know  how it is to live here in Europe. In a million years I never knew I'd end up here in France when I left the Philippines. I had a good run of 35 years in the US, I wonder how long am I staying here. I sometimes am surprised that I could be this "independent"..maybe because I was abandoned at birth and I had learned to compartamentalize my thoughts. I think most "traumatic people" experience this. Ahhh... I hear it..the siren of the French police...so differnt from New York city when I was living there. I didnt hear much in Miami...maybe the rooster cockadooing...lol ..Cubans have a ...

I was contemplating how much i missed Abby. She and I had always been together since she was a baby. Then next minute my son texted me something very touchy. He said a woman on a bike passed by their car as they were waiting for his gf interview. He said , Abby started crying and not barking.. that made me so sad and i started crying.  I truly missed her with all my heart and soul. I do not know when i will be able to stay here without her. Maybe ill go home sooner than expected.. I dont know yet.. Ive blindly just flew over here ..

 I got sick this morning   my head was hurting so bad.. but i knew ill get over it so i felt better now. So im just relaxing so ill feel better tommorrow when we go to the trip. i dont feel well emotionally but maybe i just need to go out.. the trip would be great.

It was sent so clearly... ""What you control, controls  you".. What you run from will chase you on your journey." Whoa... Tha's what I have been doing...controlling yet running away from this ... I need to face it, I need to be more responsible...I need to admit it to myself....that I can do this by myself..I don't need any man..I just need God.. as I've always depended on...my guardian angels and mam mary..I know Dongie is trying to tell me to do this..but I do refuse to listen at times...It was nice though when you know he is just after my well being. I know... so many posts that Dongie is included...I could not help it..Even if he is not here, I appreciate all the good things he did for me. He and my dad are the only men who truly loved me on this earth journey. I really doubt that there will be another man who will love me as much they had loved me. Maybe , I 'll be just an old widow..hahaha.. But really, there are a lot of guys out there..I just...

I kept thinking.. Yesterday, when my shoulder hurt ..I wanted someone to hug me..to make my booboo feel better. So, I guess that is the price of singledom...ha ha..you don't get a hug from anybody...  I put my arms up and thought that Dongie was there hugging me. I remember sometimes when something is bothering me, I would just go to his room and ask him if he's not too busy since he's always on the computer at home working for Mark, talking to him on the phone and stuffs... He would always say' no, I have time " then I would pour my angst to him and I'd ask his advice. Well...there's no more Dongie to approach to..I hope he can see me write these. I miss him a lot, because he was my real confidante and best friend only in this world...that's what a true "Soulmate" is..not romantic, but someone who will always be there for you ..thru thick and thin..not just someone who you would talk to once in a while..I think that would be called more of a ...

How fun it was to go down memory lane... Talking about a fun past is always inspiring. I think this is what happens in your old age..you sitting on a rocking chair recalling your youth..ha ha...Maybe not just youth but wonderful memories.  BUt I think right now, I am still grieving. so many guilty conscience...what ifs..I could haves..  Anyway,,,I had decided to stop my obssession...😉😏 I'm like what's the point..If it is meant to be it will be..but I am sure...it will not be..I've met those kinds. I should have blocked. But, I guess I'm lonely..there I admit it...although I'm not that kind of lonely...I know I always have options..I just refused to settle or dwell on uncomfortable circumstances. I am just going to go on my merry way. Mark Twain kept reminding me..."don't complain! you're in Paris naman!!"hahahah...I'm like, that's what my cousin Pinky told me too. Well. people wouldn't really know what you truly feel inside until they...

 It actually started nov 1 but I obliged to go with my roommate. First she took me to her niece's birthday party, I knew she wanted photos..it was ok..I am trying to learn how to hang out with people again..hahaha...such a Loner I am...lol...then yesterday to the bible study. I was bored the first ten minutes,,,,lol..the speaker was sooooo boring, I wanted to leave that instant ...and she's like..nooooo...just stay a little while. I didn't know I'm her "participant"...I think it meant she took me to the Lord..hmmm..but at the end...I adjusted again. I told her it is so weird to me to see so many filipinos in one place..lol...that's how I am so much out of touch . I saw so many people who looked asian, with black hair ...and honestly, they all look the same to me. I told her I got used to the diversity in the US...even the Latinos in the parties doesn't look the same when I did my temp jobs. I do feel out of place because I look different than them...th...

  I opted to go with Ate Josie to the bible study with all filipinos . It was ok  , she told me i could meet people and network with them so i can find a job. Honestly, it just broke my heart bec i remember when i was soul searching back in my 30’s.. or late 20’s.. It brought me back when I was a “ born again” christian in New York. I had a good experience in the beginning then it became a nightmare wh en i learned it was a cult.  I had fun with the other women in the church bec we had children with similar ages. Those days were fun.. when they were all under 7 years old. Anyway.. i need to stop .. i need to not think about .. im sleepy.. good night

I had an interesting night... I met my room mate's sister who's a bit of a psychic. She said , I had a lot of flings...lol ..Was she right? lol..maybe...lol  But I asked her if and when will I have a bf?lol..she said..there will be more coming..I'm like...arrgghhh but the one I am obessessing about is not the one I'm going to be with? She didn't say anything except I'll meet other guys in the future. Then I asked about money,it was a bit hazy..lol  Yesterday, we went to my roommates's niece's birthday party, but it's mostly a family reunion. It was kind of far but she loves them so she wanted to keep in touch. It was the usual filipino dishes but not the kinds I like..lol...they're Ilocanos like my dad and they have different recipes. I like my "tagalog" foods..the regular filipino foods. Of course there is Karaoke. So I sang and everyone kept quiet..lol..they were listening. I didn't really want to take myself seriously when I sang...

I think my blogs are boring...lol...since I  dont have any followers here. I do not know how this blogs works but just a journal for me.  I will try to be more creative this month since it's my Birthday month. I will try to post more great photos..It's just the photos thingy won't uplost in my phone so I can't directly share my photos thru my phone..ugh.I will try anyway..  No more thoughts about obssessions...hahaha...im laughing because that must have seemed if I kept mentioning Q..The one I should move on with, the one with the thousand chances...I'm kidding...not really..this month I am well aware that it had been a "requited love" again..not even love yet..because I've abandoned that idea.  I'm just going to enjoy Paris, my cousin told me to stop complaining..YOu're in Paris!! I'm like ok...but I was in New YOrk too.. The other day, I just thought I had lived in two great cities already, well 3 if you could include Miami... These 3 cit...